Wednesday, March 5, 2008

"I love you more"


13 Years... As I laid in the grass beside your grave today with my son crawling all over me, I tried to conjure specifics. I am blessed to feel your presence and your spirit often but after 13 years, I am finding it harder and harder to keep the details from getting foggy. It is my greatest fear. I want to smell your smell and feel your hand in mine and hear your voice and remember what it was like to eat our after school snack and talk about our crushes and then sing the sound of music in front of the huge living room mirror giggling through the whole thing. I can still hear the spoon clinking against the glass as we mixed our Nestle Quik and I can still see your long fingers as you pluck the strings on the guitar you bought from the Elder in our Ward so he could buy a new bike. I remember your mustard colored Hooded Gap Sweatshirt and your thrift store jeans. I remember wheeling your wheelchair and the soothing purr of your Oxygen machine in the hall. I remember our laughing fits inevitably turning into coughing fits and the sleepless nights in the hospital watching Arsenio Hall and pretending to be asleep when the nurses would check in on us.

Lex, when I am able to recall these precious moments, I am happy...not sad. I miss you desperately and there is definitely anguish but it is overcompensated by gratitude for the honor of being your sister and best friend and for the time I had with you on this earth. I am comforted by the visions of our reunion and that we will have Eternity to share our love. I know you have had a hand in every triumph in my life and have helped me walk through every trial. Your legacy continues to teach me and give me strength. Thank you sweetheart for being there still. I love you so much.

Ryan took Harrison to the car and let me have my own moment with you and I could hardly force myself to turn away from your grave. I knew you were there. I know you are watching over us. I love you more.

Love, Shezbo

11 comments:

jess said...

i was thinking about you two little angels all day yesterday. i am so glad that lex is still watching over you guys! i love you!!!

Dawn said...

Wow Sharlie, your words are such a beautiful expression of how you feel. Thank you for your inspirational posts...you truly have an amazing gift :-)

Anonymous said...

i was thinking about you all day and am so glad you had a special day... thanks for sharing with all of us :), that was a very touching post. i love you! suedy

Emily said...

You and your sister look so much a like and looks like you had a close relationship too. I can't imagine losing a sibling but I am thankful also that we will see our loved ones with the Lord someday. Thank you for sharing about Lexi.

Matt & Brooke said...

Sharlie- I'm so happy I found your cute blog and was able to catch up on all the latest of your cute little family. Harrison is an absolute doll and growing so fast. You are such an amazing writer...and I totally teared up reading your tribute to Lexi...what a blessing to have such an amazing family and sister!

Leah said...

Thank you for sharing those beautiful words on your blog. I remember that picture. I love it. You are an amazing sister.

Holly said...

I immediately started crying when I saw the picture of you and Lexi! A flood of memories came back to my mind of your most angelic sister! I can't believe it's been 13 years!!! It's amazing to know that you have a wonderful angel watching over you always! Love you!

dev said...

I wish my husband would have had a chance to meet Lexi. She was amazing... her smile is contagious... she was always smiling...

I can't believe how many years have gone past... it doesn't seem like 13 years...

I am going through similar emotions with Kendyl. She remembers Olivia very vividly and we talk about her AT LEAST every other day. She brought a pic of her for show and tell at school and the teacher said she started to cry when she talked about her cousin... she is only 6.

It amazes me how some people can really touch our lives~ and leave an impression that will be remembered through eternity...

love you Lexi.

love you Shar.

kellibelli said...

I wish I could have met her...this tribute made me cry...and also wish I had this with my own siblings....not everyone is able to achieve this kind of closeness even in 80 or 90 years on earth.....That is a blessing you were so close.

Karalea aka Julie said...

Now, that is something I miss up here in LA. My dose of Sharlie. A dose of pure, unblemished spirit that can shake you to your core. That is you. You send chills. You warm hearts. You inspire minds. I miss that.

amorology said...

Oh Shar, how do you always manage to get me to cry? This picture seems like it was just yesterday....and your words took me back. Somehow the nestle quik has stayed with me too all these years! You were both angels then and still continue to bless everyone's lives you touch. I love you!