Wednesday, March 5, 2008
"I love you more"
13 Years... As I laid in the grass beside your grave today with my son crawling all over me, I tried to conjure specifics. I am blessed to feel your presence and your spirit often but after 13 years, I am finding it harder and harder to keep the details from getting foggy. It is my greatest fear. I want to smell your smell and feel your hand in mine and hear your voice and remember what it was like to eat our after school snack and talk about our crushes and then sing the sound of music in front of the huge living room mirror giggling through the whole thing. I can still hear the spoon clinking against the glass as we mixed our Nestle Quik and I can still see your long fingers as you pluck the strings on the guitar you bought from the Elder in our Ward so he could buy a new bike. I remember your mustard colored Hooded Gap Sweatshirt and your thrift store jeans. I remember wheeling your wheelchair and the soothing purr of your Oxygen machine in the hall. I remember our laughing fits inevitably turning into coughing fits and the sleepless nights in the hospital watching Arsenio Hall and pretending to be asleep when the nurses would check in on us.
Lex, when I am able to recall these precious moments, I am happy...not sad. I miss you desperately and there is definitely anguish but it is overcompensated by gratitude for the honor of being your sister and best friend and for the time I had with you on this earth. I am comforted by the visions of our reunion and that we will have Eternity to share our love. I know you have had a hand in every triumph in my life and have helped me walk through every trial. Your legacy continues to teach me and give me strength. Thank you sweetheart for being there still. I love you so much.
Ryan took Harrison to the car and let me have my own moment with you and I could hardly force myself to turn away from your grave. I knew you were there. I know you are watching over us. I love you more.