Day 15... Why my heart is broken but my faith remains strong...Breathe easy Katrina.

I was so sure this was going to be a post all about Katrina's miracle, full of excitement and hope. I can hardly bare to be writing a post about losing Katrina instead.

Yesterday I pondered the fact that I have truly loved and lost and loved and lost some more and hoped and dreamed and wished and prayed. Many of my dreams and hopes and things I have fervently prayed for have come to pass but many have not.

16 years ago, I didn't believe my little sister Lex was going to pass away until she took her last breath. Despite the doctors giving her 3 days to live and the fact that she was receiving hospice care in our home, I still believed we would get a miracle and she would pull out of it once again. Why didn't this unanswered prayer destroy my spirit and my faith? In the midst of my anguish and sorrow at losing her, how could I still believe?

Something very special happened, maybe a small miracle in and of itself considering how fragile my faith was at that time. Instead of losing my faith, it was strengthened and instead of doubting my God, my beliefs were reaffirmed and became rock solid.

The pain was still there, debilitating pain and greif, but peace and an eternal knowledge were also there. I believe in God's plan for his children and I believe in His timing. I don't always understand it. I don't always know if I am strong enough to bare it, but I believe in it.

My faith and my beliefs are not a coping mechanism. They certainly help me cope with life's trials, but that is not why I believe. I have pondered the Atonement and the Plan of Salvation and have prayed to know that there really is life after death and that we really will be saved by our Redeemer if we have tried our best to love as He loved and tried our best to follow His perfect example, and my body has literally burned with confirmation in the affirmative. It is something I feel in my heart, in my brain, in my very bones. The truth of it fills my soul.

So, although I have shed many tears these last few days and my heart is broken that Katrina is gone from this earth, I believe God took her home for a reason. There had to be a reason, especially after more than forty people came forward to be tested and two selfless people (strangers to Kat) were found to be suitable donor matches.

I also believe with great joy that Katrina is celebrating a beautiful reunion with the sister she lost years ago to her same disease, Cystic Fibrosis. And last but not least, I believe Katrina is finally breathing easy.

Look at that never failing smile. I love you Katrina and will forever hold you in my heart. Give Lex a hug for me...

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