Friday, March 5, 2010
Stand By Me...
I'm struggling today. Every anniversary is different and today is an especially emotional one for some reason. My chest keeps involuntarily tightening and my vision is constantly blurred from the tears that threaten to spill over. I just miss you so much.
The thing that is difficult for me to comprehend is that you have been gone now for longer than you were here on this earth...15 years. It doesn't seem to compute, it doesn't feel possible that you have been gone for so long. I know the reason it feels that way is because you are still such a huge part of my life. I still share your story and weave it in with my own as I reflect on the intricate, elaborate tapestry that chronicles this journey I am on. I still feel you watching over us and sometimes in very quiet, sacred moments I feel prompted to look down at my hand and am reminded how our hands were forever connected here and know you are letting me know that you are still holding my hand.
Memories are like precious gifts that are wrapped and waiting to be opened carefully and with an acute awareness to the details that are forthcoming. They are always welcome even though sometimes they leave a tinge of sadness. The sadness is overcompensated by the joy of the reclaimed moment. Today one of those unexpected but welcomed gifts came to me, comforting me as I lay on my bed shedding a few warm, salty tears. I saw us lacing up our Lightening Rollerblades. Yours were fluorescent pink and mine were bright purple. We were a little timid on the roads but loved to skate circles around our 3 car garage. I can't remember whose idea it was to put the cassette player in the garage but the brilliance of being able to listen to "hey jude" and the soundtrack of "Stand by Me" over and over while we went round and round allowed us a short respite. Despite the ache I was feeling in my heart, I had to smile and be grateful for the gift of the memory.
Thank you for continuing to "Stand by Me." I feel you and I am obeying your admonition not to doubt your presence in my life. I see and feel you everyday in all the love I am surrounded in. Stay close.
More posts about Lexi:
"I love you more"
A Lesson Learned