After being at Sanoviv for two weeks and then having our computer in the shop for another, I have a lot to catch up on. Lots of good, happy things but as I sat to write tonight, I felt like there would be a definite lack of authenticity if I couldn't share my overwhelming sadness at losing another friend to Cystic Fibrosis. It's consuming me tonight.
You'd think it would get easier for us, but it doesn't. Every new loss opens a raw wound that I didn't realize was so close to the surface that oozes with the memories of all the other losses including holding my sister against me as she gasped her last breath. It does not get easier. On the contrary...
Every new loss causes pictures to move through my heart and head like pictures on a movie reel of all the precious faces that I have loved and lost to C.F.. Starting with the first, which I will never forget...Shannon. We befriended each other as patients in the hospital when we were five years old and created an instant bond. I will never forget sitting at her funeral about seven years later and listening to the stories of how concerned she was about the boy in the next hospital room even when she knew she had only hours left to live. Then there was my sweet Lex and then Tara, Justin and Heather, then Ashley and Katie and too many from clinic to count. Now, sweet Robyn, a new friend I bonded with through blogging. We shared the blessing of both being "miracle moms."
I can see all their faces so clearly on that reel and remember the salty tears shed for each life while I second-guessed my own mortality and wondered if I would miraculously beat the odds or like my friends, become a tragic statistic confirming the viciousness of this disease. As much as I try to will the hope to come and comfort me, it's hard to feel it with leaking eyes and a broken heart.
However much pain I have felt, I do feel peace from knowing that I would not turn back the clock and not connect with these people even if it meant the aching could be erased. My life has been enriched and enlightened by my association with these earth-angels and their lessons and legacies sustain me when I am doubting and down. It's a hard club to be a part of but I wouldn't give up my membership...it is part of what defines me and who I am.
Robyn, breathe easy now and give Lexi a big hug for me. I know your precious Lola will feel you close always and be blessed by the love and devotion you poured out to her for the three years you were together. You, like many others, have a permanent place in my heart. Thank you for blessing my life. You earned those wings...FLY!