Monday, December 1, 2008

Breathe Easy Sweet Friend...

After being at Sanoviv for two weeks and then having our computer in the shop for another, I have a lot to catch up on. Lots of good, happy things but as I sat to write tonight, I felt like there would be a definite lack of authenticity if I couldn't share my overwhelming sadness at losing another friend to Cystic Fibrosis. It's consuming me tonight.

You'd think it would get easier for us, but it doesn't. Every new loss opens a raw wound that I didn't realize was so close to the surface that oozes with the memories of all the other losses including holding my sister against me as she gasped her last breath. It does not get easier. On the contrary...

Every new loss causes pictures to move through my heart and head like pictures on a movie reel of all the precious faces that I have loved and lost to C.F.. Starting with the first, which I will never forget...Shannon. We befriended each other as patients in the hospital when we were five years old and created an instant bond. I will never forget sitting at her funeral about seven years later and listening to the stories of how concerned she was about the boy in the next hospital room even when she knew she had only hours left to live. Then there was my sweet Lex and then Tara, Justin and Heather, then Ashley and Katie and too many from clinic to count. Now, sweet Robyn, a new friend I bonded with through blogging. We shared the blessing of both being "miracle moms."

I can see all their faces so clearly on that reel and remember the salty tears shed for each life while I second-guessed my own mortality and wondered if I would miraculously beat the odds or like my friends, become a tragic statistic confirming the viciousness of this disease. As much as I try to will the hope to come and comfort me, it's hard to feel it with leaking eyes and a broken heart.

However much pain I have felt, I do feel peace from knowing that I would not turn back the clock and not connect with these people even if it meant the aching could be erased. My life has been enriched and enlightened by my association with these earth-angels and their lessons and legacies sustain me when I am doubting and down. It's a hard club to be a part of but I wouldn't give up my membership...it is part of what defines me and who I am.

Robyn, breathe easy now and give Lexi a big hug for me. I know your precious Lola will feel you close always and be blessed by the love and devotion you poured out to her for the three years you were together. You, like many others, have a permanent place in my heart. Thank you for blessing my life. You earned those wings...FLY!

12 comments:

Collette Larsen said...

There are no words...but please know I share your grief simply because a mother feels every pain, shares every sorrow. I love you.

Somer Love said...

Shar

You seriously have a true gift. This post is so beautifully written! You brought tears to my eyes and right on down my cheeks! I love ya lots!! Im sending you positive thoughts and energy today for the blow!

XOXO
Your Cysta
Somer

Cara said...

Thank you so much for writing this. It's like you expressed exactly what I am feeling, but I could never had said it as beautifully as you.

Christine said...

Sharlie... once again your heart brings healing, love and life. Thank you for sharing this post. I can't imagine the pain, their truly aren't words to describe the thought of that baby girl without a momma, and her families loss. Your, their family, and her daughter are in my thoughts and prayers! Sending you huge hugs, love and joy!!

Love you tons! XoXo

The family said...

Sharlie-

Yet again you have touched me and inspired me to be a better person. Your example, love, strength and compassion are gifts to many of those around you.

Zachary said...

I love you Sharlie. I am so sorry to hear about Robyn. Get well and know that we are praying for you.

Mique (as in Mickey) said...

Shar,
I am so in awe of you. I read your comment on my post last week and didn't even know where to begin- I inspire you? You are hands down the most inspiring person I know (with your mom as a close second ;).
It's amazing how the hard things in life do indeed make you SO grateful for every darn little thing. You expressed my thoughts exactly- I wouldn't have signed up for my club. But I am so appreciative for all the blessings it's sent my way. The joy of J. The family and friends who have rallied around us. Life will never be the same.
Thank you for being who you are. I love you!!! Miq

Freddy and Mandy said...

Beautiful, Shar.

Holly said...

I don't even know what to say! You are amazing Shar!

kellibelli said...

Oh my goodness. I totally have tears running down my face. I am amazed at the many talents you possess and your ability to touch my heart along with so many others. I am so sorry about your friend, and about the trials you triumph daily. It is not easy to have physical trials but it truly does bring us closer to the savior. I love you Sharlie.

Jayma Malme said...

You are the only person who has ever brought me to tears in just a few short paragraphs. Your words are beyond description, you have a definite gift in expressing your heart. This is a beautiful tribute to Robyn. I love that you included her picture.

Jenny said...

After you mentioned that you had posted about Shannan, I wanted to find and read it. Thank you for sharing your memories. I was only 6 when she died, so my memories are very faded. It's always so good to hear what others remember about her.