Friday, July 29, 2011

She talks to angels ...


Today Lexi would be 31. On July 28th I will always celebrate the gift her life is to me. I miss her everyday. Sometimes I feel her talking to me or more accurately, speaking to my heart...

My mom always told me and Lex that she loved coming to tuck us in at night and seeing that we were holding hands even after we'd fallen asleep. We shared bunk beds so the one on top would hang their hand down and grasp the hand that would reach up from the bottom bunk. Can you believe we could fall asleep like that?! There are times I am compelled to look down at my hands because I feel like her hand is literally hanging down and holding mine. When I feel that warm vibration of love from Lex in the palms of my hands, I remember that I am not alone and that she is keeping her promise to be an angelic guardian.

I have felt her especially close lately as I accept and pursue the next step in my C.F. journey. After Lexi died, I felt strongly that when the time came, I would not opt for a double lung transplant. I witnessed the hell and helplessly watched the suffering Lexi went through post transplant and wondered at times what it was all for. Of course it was worth it for me and for my family because we got to have her for another borrowed 18 months, but was it worth it for Lexi?

It is hard to explain but I have felt the whisperings of Lexi's spirit to my spirit confirming to me that my experience will not be her experience. I know she wants and expects me to follow in her footsteps and fight like she did to stay on this earth and not take a single breath for granted. I have so much to live for and Lexi left a powerful Legacy. Putting her trust in the Lord and enduring joyfully to the end despite the pain was one of her most poignant lessons and I could not face her if I did not apply it in my own life.

Now that I am at this place, I am grateful that my hero was also at this place and showed how to walk the transplant journey with grace, humor and unbelievable fight.

Happy birthday Lexi, please maintain a tight hold on my grasping hands.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

10 comments:

Sherri said...

What a beautiful tribute to your angel sister, Lexi. Seeing her experience and going forward with your own takes lots of faith. I'm glad you have felt of her influence and watchful care. Transplant is such a difficult decision--one I'm struggling with as well. I wish you all the best.

Teresa said...

That is a beautiful post, Sharlie. I love hearing about the connection you still feel with Lexi and have to admit I am a little jealous. I don't know if it was because I was a little younger when Shannan passed away, or what, but I don't have the vivid memories of our time together that you have of Lexi. The good thing is that I know I will have an eternity to continue the friendship and sisterhood with her that was cut short in this life.
How comforting that must be, too, to have her "whispering" to you throughout your transplant process. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences with us.

[BrookeO] said...

I too have so many sweet memories of her. And am reminded of her often. I have this card she gave me years and years ago with a penny glued to the page for every year old I was. It is one of my greatest treasures. Live to you both!

[BrookeO] said...

**LOVE to you both!

Collette Larsen said...

Indeed, she does talk to angels; she talks to you.

Emilee said...

I love that you can feel her especially in those times when I'm sure it is most needed. I know that we are surrounded by angels, some living among us, others that have past on before us. You are amazing Shar. Im grateful for your continual fight. It gives me hope and strength that when the time comes I will be able to do the same!

Kate said...

I loved this post. When you speak of you and Lexi holding hands as you slept it reminds me of Lucy and Evey and my heart just aches for you. I have often walked into Lucy and Evey's room and have found Evey snuggled up fast asleep next to Lucy. It is so touching to witness such a close bond. It is sop comforting to know that such bonds last beyond death. I know Lexi is there with you and will continue to be with you throughout this entire process. Our prayers and thoughts are with you also!
Lots of Love, Katie

Dax said...

Just wanted to let you know that I read this right before my race on Saturday and it was so inspiring. Thank you for sharing such personal memories of Lexi. Love you.

Karyn Parry said...

What a wonderful love you share with your sister. I am glad she is there for you during this time - forever families are wonderful. You write beautifully. Best wishes in your journey. You are a great inspiration to so many. I still remember your great talk at girls camp last summer. Thanks for being an example of trusting in the Lord.

Michelle S. said...

Sharlie I am so grateful for you. Thank you for sharing your beautiful insights and testimony. I loved reading about your sister Lexi. We are praying for you and love you so much!