Day 15... Why my heart is broken but my faith remains strong...Breathe easy Katrina.

I was so sure this was going to be a post all about Katrina's miracle, full of excitement and hope. I can hardly bare to be writing a post about losing Katrina instead.

Yesterday I pondered the fact that I have truly loved and lost and loved and lost some more and hoped and dreamed and wished and prayed. Many of my dreams and hopes and things I have fervently prayed for have come to pass but many have not.

16 years ago, I didn't believe my little sister Lex was going to pass away until she took her last breath. Despite the doctors giving her 3 days to live and the fact that she was receiving hospice care in our home, I still believed we would get a miracle and she would pull out of it once again. Why didn't this unanswered prayer destroy my spirit and my faith? In the midst of my anguish and sorrow at losing her, how could I still believe?

Something very special happened, maybe a small miracle in and of itself considering how fragile my faith was at that time. Instead of losing my faith, it was strengthened and instead of doubting my God, my beliefs were reaffirmed and became rock solid.

The pain was still there, debilitating pain and greif, but peace and an eternal knowledge were also there. I believe in God's plan for his children and I believe in His timing. I don't always understand it. I don't always know if I am strong enough to bare it, but I believe in it.

My faith and my beliefs are not a coping mechanism. They certainly help me cope with life's trials, but that is not why I believe. I have pondered the Atonement and the Plan of Salvation and have prayed to know that there really is life after death and that we really will be saved by our Redeemer if we have tried our best to love as He loved and tried our best to follow His perfect example, and my body has literally burned with confirmation in the affirmative. It is something I feel in my heart, in my brain, in my very bones. The truth of it fills my soul.

So, although I have shed many tears these last few days and my heart is broken that Katrina is gone from this earth, I believe God took her home for a reason. There had to be a reason, especially after more than forty people came forward to be tested and two selfless people (strangers to Kat) were found to be suitable donor matches.

I also believe with great joy that Katrina is celebrating a beautiful reunion with the sister she lost years ago to her same disease, Cystic Fibrosis. And last but not least, I believe Katrina is finally breathing easy.

Look at that never failing smile. I love you Katrina and will forever hold you in my heart. Give Lex a hug for me...

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Day 12...Easter 2011

Easter definitely snuck up on me this year as I had just returned home from Utah and wasn't feeling very well. However, Easter is always a special holiday for me and the significance of the holiday was not diminished. If anything, it is even more poignant when I am struggling with my health because it reminds me that no matter what happens, because of Christ's sacrifice, I too will be resurrected one day and be able to be with my family forever. What an incredible gift. I don't fully understand the complexity of it but I am eternally grateful for it.

While I stayed home and did treatments and rested before church, Ryan took Harrison to his parents for a little Easter egg hunt and some special time with Grammy and Grandpa. Bless Linda for filling the eggs with almonds instead of candy!! I was thrilled and Harrison didn't know any different!


After church we had a beautiful Easter dinner at my mom's. Terry and Linda joined us as well as our dear friends Bob and Daryl. I am so grateful for my family and love spending these priceless moments with them. Despite not feeling 100%, it was a wonderful Easter!


Day 12 of the Healthy Home Challenge: Germaphobe alert!

From The Healthy Home book, "We've become obsessed with living in a germ-free environment as a result of the scare tactics employed by marketers. We have bona fide germ phobia when we could be focusing our energy on something positive, like boosting our immune systems. ...Your body, when healthy, is beautifully designed to handle germs. We don't need to live in a scrubbed-down, sterilized bubble."

This section of the book on household cleaners was so eye-opening. I know I and other Cfers have to be especially careful of germs but the book also points out that most of the solvents we are using to sanitize our homes are toxic and can break down the molecules on our skin and in our lungs.

The book encourages using products that are nontoxic and biodegradable and/or plant based. I just bought a few bottles of nontoxic, plant based cleaners and air purifiers for our home at Sprouts. It is also very easy to make your own household cleaners with a few inexpensive ingredients that most of us already have in our kitchens. There is a whole "recipe" list in the book.

The parting tip is this: If you are cleaning with products that you wouldn't eat, wear gloves!

All his Eggs in one basket...

Easter Catch up!

Easter is always such a special holiday for me. I love the significance of this holiday and what it means to me personally. I love the opportunity to reflect upon the Atonement of my Savior and the reminder to me of His love, grace and presence in my life. Because of the knowledge that I have of Him and his sacrifice for me and for all of us, I experience peace and hope no matter what circumstances I encounter in my life, what a precious blessing this is. I know that because he rose on the third day and conquered death, that I too will live again and be with my family forever. I came to appreciate this gift with a deeper intensity after Lexi's death. I was comforted and buoyed up by the Faith that we would be reunited again. I cherish holidays that help solidify my Faith and Testimony of Jesus Christ. I also cherish every second I get to spend with my family and this Easter was a day filled with reflection, gratitude, hope and family.

Easter Brunch at Grammy and Grandpa's

Easter Egg Hunt...very successful!

He named all the letters in his name one by one and at the end when I asked him what those letters spelled he exclaimed with confidence, "MONSTER TRUCK!!"

Easter Dinner at Grandma Coco's

Buddies! (that's what they call each other)

Jaydn and Addie making cookie masterpieces

Classic Beck and Zachy

Soph and Grandma Coco

Loving my Boy

Hope and Peace

I gained a deeper and stronger testimony of the Atonement of my Savior when Lexi passed away. Suddenly I subconsciously knew that I had to reevaluate my beliefs and especially my belief in the Atonement. Would I really be reunited with Lexi again? Could I really be exalted despite my weaknesses, shortfalls and sins? Was Christ really aware of ME and did he really love me that much, that he was willing to take upon himself not only my sins, but my infirmities, my sorrows, and my pains as well?

I am so grateful for the powerful confirmation I received that the answer to all of these questions was a resounding YES! The Atonement became very real to me. I don't profess to understand how it works or comprehend the magnitude of it, but I can't deny my testimony. My experiences have witnessed unto me that Jesus Christ Lives and is my Savior, that he is aware of me and loves me and that because of his sacrifice, I will be reunited with my sister again and that I can be with my family for All Eternity. This testimony gives me hope and peace and perspective.

God be with you till we meet again...

It was a week ago that we received news of our beloved Prophets passing. The moment of grief was followed by the sweetest peace. Peace that comes from the good news of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Peace that comes from picturing in my mind the Heavenly hosts welcoming this faithful servant home and the reunion of President Hinckley and his cherished wife Marjorie.

The Legacies left by this man have changed lives, strengthened the Church of Jesus Christ and certainly made this world a better place to live in. I will miss dearly listening to his uplifting words and giggling at his spunky sense of humor. My testimony of Jesus Christ was strengthened every time I heard President Hinckley speak, my heart would swell with the spirit which would confirm to me the truthfulness of the words I was hearing and the emotions I was feeling. I am so grateful for this man and hope that as I remember him I can honor him with choices I make and the way I live my life. I look forward to telling Harrison stories about this Prophet of God and the treasured memories I have of him. He would often close his Conference remarks with the phrase, "God be with you till we meet again." I've always loved this hymn and ever since I lost Lexi, it has been poignant for me. Now it has an added sweetness.