Friday, July 29, 2011

She talks to angels ...

Today Lexi would be 31. On July 28th I will always celebrate the gift her life is to me. I miss her everyday. Sometimes I feel her talking to me or more accurately, speaking to my heart...

My mom always told me and Lex that she loved coming to tuck us in at night and seeing that we were holding hands even after we'd fallen asleep. We shared bunk beds so the one on top would hang their hand down and grasp the hand that would reach up from the bottom bunk. Can you believe we could fall asleep like that?! There are times I am compelled to look down at my hands because I feel like her hand is literally hanging down and holding mine. When I feel that warm vibration of love from Lex in the palms of my hands, I remember that I am not alone and that she is keeping her promise to be an angelic guardian.

I have felt her especially close lately as I accept and pursue the next step in my C.F. journey. After Lexi died, I felt strongly that when the time came, I would not opt for a double lung transplant. I witnessed the hell and helplessly watched the suffering Lexi went through post transplant and wondered at times what it was all for. Of course it was worth it for me and for my family because we got to have her for another borrowed 18 months, but was it worth it for Lexi?

It is hard to explain but I have felt the whisperings of Lexi's spirit to my spirit confirming to me that my experience will not be her experience. I know she wants and expects me to follow in her footsteps and fight like she did to stay on this earth and not take a single breath for granted. I have so much to live for and Lexi left a powerful Legacy. Putting her trust in the Lord and enduring joyfully to the end despite the pain was one of her most poignant lessons and I could not face her if I did not apply it in my own life.

Now that I am at this place, I am grateful that my hero was also at this place and showed how to walk the transplant journey with grace, humor and unbelievable fight.

Happy birthday Lexi, please maintain a tight hold on my grasping hands.

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